MARRIAGE REGENERATION PROGRAM FOR THOSE ON THE BRINK OF DIVORCE

My first thought is that I really hope you’re looking at this page just out of curiosity.

If not… that is, if you’re looking at this page because you’re actually on the brink of divorce, let me begin by saying, I’m really sorry that you’re at this point.  I’ve been there.  It’s a very painful time; it’s filled with anger and with despair and pervasive self-doubt and deep frustration and loneliness and aloneness and complications and confusion and more.  It is not something any of us would wish on our worst enemies.  So, again, I am sorry that you two are at this point.

Second, I’ve been helping couples step away from the divorce cliff and “regenerate” their marriages for decades …and I won’t sugar coat this …there’s a lot stacked against you two.

The “mess” that is your current marriage, if it is to be regenerated, will require a significant amount of consistent attention and effort of the right kind.  It will take you at least as long to “regenerate” your marriage as it does to “uncouple” by getting a divorce (about 12-18 months) and it will be just as costly ($25,000).  Plus, you both will have to work with the process, develop the right kind of relationship skills, be humble enough to learn that which you need to learn as individuals and be open enough to GROW as individuals. So, my Marriage Regeneration program is NOT fast, is NOT cheap, and it’s definitely NOT easy.  But it does work… …for the right couples.

Who did I develop this program for?  Couples who:

  • have been married (committed) for many, many years …usually 25+
  • are on the brink of divorce
  • might have already consulted attorneys
  • have significant individual issues (addiction, untreated trauma, temper, extreme neurosis, etc.)
  • have very little trust in each other because of various forms of betrayal (e.g. affairs, lies, withholding, broken promises, extreme selfishness, etc.) that have occurred over decades
  • still want to keep the marriage despite all of above because of deep values such as
    • love of children
    • love of grandchildren
    • taking vows seriously
    • having deep respect for the institution of marriage (despite behavior to the contrary)
    • decades of shared history
    • desire to protect financial assets
    • significant careers that will be negatively affected by divorce
    • refusal to accept defeat and lack of willingness to accept failure
    • not wanting to split a lifetime of friends into “his” and “her” piles
    • still being curious what the marriage would be like if everyone gets healed, healthy, and has sufficient relationship skills
    • enough integrity to know that at one time it WAS a good marriage, a marriage that became bad marriage through neglect, abuse, and arrogance
    • wanting to inspire children, grandchildren, and others to not quit in the face of extreme challenge
  • are willing to work for a solid year+ on marital and individual issues
  • live in the Milwaukee area (or are willing to come to Milwaukee a lot)

For my Marriage Regeneration program to work for you two, you’ll both have to acknowledge that, besides the marriage issues that need work, there are significant individual issues in the picture, too.  I don’t mean that to sound harsh.  It’s just that I know from experience, that when things are really this bad, it’s hardly ever “just communication issues” or “just intimacy issues.”

When two people have been married as long as you two have, brink-of-divorce stuff is almost always a “perfect storm” of the communication issues and intimacy issues, PLUS enduring individual issues. Both of you brought significant individual issues to this marriage and, frankly, you would have brought those same issues to ANY marriage that you had entered into.  If you (both of you) had sought, found and engaged in some quality individual counseling, back-in-the-day, then right now, you might be having just regular, ole marriage struggles.  But you didn’t. And that’s that.  Let’s not dwell on woulda, coulda, shoulda.  The real question is, “Do you NOW want to become the kind of person and the kind of spouse you thought you were going to become, on your wedding day, on the day you took your vows?

Others before you have done this, that is, they have regenerated their marriages, but they had to start with believing it is possible.  I don’t wonder if couples on the brink of divorce can do this because for over 3 decades I’ve been helping them do it. I have been standing (and jumping) in the coach’s box, during many “games,” giving couples play-by-play direction on what to do, in the moment, especially the big moments, to re-establish connection, trust, and intimacy in their marriage.  I’ve also sat quietly with them for long, deep conversations where they confront their very difficult, interior issues, the issues that have been in the background of their marriage for decades, robbing them and their spouse of a good life.  My humble opinion: these couples deserve parades!!!  Of course, they’ll never get parades because of privacy concerns, but their heroic efforts are not lost on me.  So, for me, this isn’t a question of whether you two CAN regenerate your marriage.  It’s more about 1) are you ready to do the work? 2) will you take responsibility and take direction? 3) can you go the distance?

If you can honestly answer yes to those questions, then you can look forward to:

  1. a permanent personal transformation, the kind that will move you away from ugly fights, multi-leveled betrayals, and intimacy-killing, isolating conversations towards becoming the  kind of partner you imagined on your wedding day
  2. learning how to hear your partner at a much deeper than you ever have and how to resist caving into ridiculous, defensive, ego-based fighting about “non-issues”
  3. becoming super skilled at engaging in high-level problem solving conversations related to money, sex, the kids and grandkids, retirement, health-issues, taking care of the house, careers, travel, second careers …you name it, you’ll be able to talk about it
  4. reversing the downward trajectory of late and choosing the ascending path towards a marriage where no one’s dreams crush the other person’s dreams
  5. a path towards regaining the respect of your adult children
  6. a path towards modeling for those in your inner circle the way to transform entrenched differences into life-enhancing diversities
  7. complete transparency and partnering with your spouse rather than hedging your bets, having back-up plans, and always relating in a conditional, contractual way
  8. being able to truly forgive the ugliness of the past and soak in the fun and joy of now
  9. an easy, non-shaming way of being together so that you consistently have emotional, physical, and sexual connection and intimacy
  10. being that couple at the wedding dance who is the last one standing, while all others, cheer and applaud your achievement of 30, 40, 50, 60+ years of coupled living …finally, a well-deserved standing ovation.

If you want all of that, and if right now you are on the brink of divorce, then read on and I’ll tell you how Marriage Regeneration works.

Let me say this right away:  this program is so labor intensive for me, especially in the early weeks and months, that I NEVER work with more than 2 couples at a time in a Marriage Regeneration program.  (I work with plenty of couples in other less intensive programs.)

The number of openings I have right now (March 2015) for Marriage Regeneration is: 1

If it says above that I have 1 or 2 openings, and if you think you and spouse are appropriate for the program, then the next step is: call me or text me.

(o) 414-774-2040             (c) 414-807-3139

We’ll find a time (usually about 60-90 minutes) to discuss your situation over the phone. The conversation can be with one or both of you, but I prefer both, if it is possible.

One of two things will happen after we talk.

Thing 1: We might decide that the Marriage Regeneration program won’t work. Perhaps it would be “overkill” for you two.  In other words, perhaps we’ll decide it is TOO much, TOO intensive, and therefore, not appropriate for you two. Or perhaps we conclude that the program is right but it’s not a “good fit” among the three of us and that we will likely not work well together. Or maybe it’s the right program and we do have the right chemistry, but it’s not the right time. Whatever it is, if the determination is “no-go” on the Marriage Regeneration program, I will make recommendations during the conversation that will be helpful to you two in going forward with solving some problems in your situation.

Or maybe Thing 2 happens: We decide it’s a “go” on the Marriage Regeneration program for you two. If that’s the determination, we set up our initial face-to-face meeting as soon as possible after that conversation.

So, if it’s a go, what happens next, besides the initial face-to-face meeting, is that we all three get down to work. What I provide is basically EVERYTHING I have to offer in as much quantity as is needed. In other words, for up to 18 months, you get a boatload of coaching, consultation, counseling, online courses, webinars, textbooks, workshops, and VIP access to me via cellphone.

In terms of quantity, more specifically, you two will get this kind of help from me:

  • at least one couples session per week
  • at least one individual coaching session per spouse per week
  • at least one Argument Clinic workshop per month
  • all the online webinars that I deliver to couples, (live about every 3 weeks)
  • my online Science of Marriage course, which includes, two texts, two workbooks, and almost a hundred how-to videos
  • access to any of the other 10 online personal development courses that I offer in the Year of Personal Development program
  • and as easy of access to me via cell phone as family and friends have (meaning if I’m awake and I’m not in the shower, at the movies, on a plane, or other places/situations where my cell phone is off, I will answer and/or get back to you as quickly as I do with family & friends)

By the way, if you were to seek all of these services and products from me “ala carte” it would cost you $48,580.

What will I expect of you? Basically to just participate in the process, to try some new stuff, to take some direction and be humble enough to learn and grow.

What do I mean by “take some direction and be humble enough to grow?”  In short, if you want to regenerate your marriage, you can’ t be “too cool for school.”

Perhaps you’re the one who “keeps score.”  Well, you’re going to have to learn something about the process of forgiveness …and I don’t mean fake forgiveness.  I mean the real kind where you’re actually FREE of the ruminating, remembering, and intrusion of all the memories of the truly terrible stuff that has happened to you. Free to celebrate and love again. Real forgiveness is hard work.  [In fact, as a psychologist, it’s my professional opinion that true forgiveness is probably the hardest psychological process for human beings to achieve.]  So, if you’re “that person” in your marriage, before I agree to work with you and your spouse, you’ll have to indicate that you’re willing to work on “score keeping.”  I will give you direction, and coaching, and courses (e.g. like my Science of Forgiveness online course), but you will have to swallow your pride and engage in the learning and growing process.

Perhaps you’re addicted to something  …to alcohol, to porn, to anger, to religious self-righteousness, to cars, to attention, to power, to shopping, to your family-of-origin.  There is no end to the stuff we human beings can get addicted to.  If you’ve got serious addictive processes going on that are affecting your marriage, you’re going to have to decide if you prefer your marriage to that luscious martini or that porn site buzz.  So, if you’re “that person” in the marriage, for me to agree to work with you two, I will likely require that you participate in AA meetings or other appropriate 12-step-like programs and processes.  Typically that means finding a sponsor, participating in meetings, and doing all the usual stuff that goes with recovery.

Perhaps you have a temper that has been damaging the marriage.  Most people who have a serious relationship with anger know that it is about as difficult of a habit to break as is alcoholism.  So, if you’re the “rage-oholic” in the marriage, and I agree to work with you two on your marriage, it is highly likely that I will expect you to swallow your pride and engage in activities that will free you from your raging habit.  Maybe it will be to develop a daily spiritual practice; perhaps it will be to do yoga every day; maybe I will ask you to do my online Science of Mindfulness course.

Maybe one of you suffers from unprocessed trauma.  If that is so, then your trauma will be the focus of our individual sessions. You will get, once and for all some real and enduring help, so that instead of being “triggered” by events related to your trauma you can experience real post-traumatic GROWTH and actually experience lasting, positive gains in your life.

Now, what I’ve been talking about here is pretty heavy stuff.  So it might surprise you to know that the couples I have worked with in this intensive way, truly do enjoy the face-to-face meetings ~ even the hard ones; they truly do have fun with the growth work; and they always deepen their authentic capacities to live more freely and more joyfully.

It’s true that Marriage Regeneration is hard work. It’s even more true, in my opinion, that it is work that is worthy of all of us. To my way of thinking, if you’re on the brink of divorce, then personal transformation and marriage regeneration is the “only game in town.” Besides what it does for you as a couple, this kind of process “heals” everyone you touch. It is work that I feel honored to support couples in.

If you think Marriage Regeneration is right for you,

call me: 414-774-2040 (o) or 414-807-3139 (c)

and we’ll  talk.